Honesty is ugly sometimes

Sitting at the table in the living room typing this post and watching Black Girls Rock on BET…this is hard y’all. Intensely sensitive but this is what’s on my heart today so I’m being honest about the ugly in my life.

We live in the same house. We eat the same food and love the same child. We never talk though. I mean, outside of what has to be said about my son and their daily needs. No, this is not a post about my partner and I. This one is about my mother and I. Things have not always been this way. I remember being in high school, getting in the car and talking a mile a minute about what happened at school that day. When I no longer lived at home we’d talk every single day. We used to be so close and then. I don’t know what happened. I would call but she’d only call me if she needed a ride to work or some money, or to run some errands. It didn’t take long for resentment to set in but I’d still do whatever she needed. Then, I got pregnant and she’d call all the time. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I tried to be sure and involve her in some of the fun stuff. I took her with me to do one of my registries and to do a little shopping for the baby. I hoped it’d break the ice and get us talking again. It didn’t. It was almost like being a cousin I’ve never met or that I’ve seen only once or twice.

This is hard. And to be honest I haven’t talked with my mom about it. I don’t want to. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a relationship with my mother. And to add to that my dad too. See, I’ve been spending months and countless hours researching my family history. I know my 3rd generation grandfather and his wife Anna Norrington lived in Morgan county Georgia. His name was Felix Norrington. Felix was a boot and shoe maker and could not read or write. I love my family. I want to know them all by name. Sounds like a contradiction. I want to know my family history but am not willing to work on relationships with the family that here with me, literally.

Thanks for reading.


6 responses to “Honesty is ugly sometimes

  1. You say you are not willing to work on relationships with your immidiate family but I think that you do. This post says you do.You have put out your “ugly” for the world to see which I believe is no easy feat,for me this is a start to the reconcilliation you seek.
    If you belive in God,pray to him about it,pour your heart out and I know that he will hear you(psalms 65:2).He is the originator of the family(Ephesians 3:14,15) and he wants all of us to be happy because he is a “happy God”(2corinthians 13:11).He also has a name,read psalms 83:18.

  2. As I read your story, I felt like I was reading a discription of my very own situation with my mother and father. I often wonder to myself “what happened” but then I think maybe these feelings have always been there I was just so blinded by the need to have that loving relationship that is so often portrayed on TV. Many times I find myself longing to have some sort of dealings with my parents but I have come to the conclusion that as a mother, I can not and will not try to salvage a relationship with someone who doesnt see the value in it. I am praying about my situtation though because not only does it hurt it is truly heartbreaking. Thanks for being so open and honest.

    • Thanks so much for this. Ya know, I’m not sure if my mom fails to see the value in having a relationship with me. I really think she doesn’t know how. Of course, things like are so complex and I’m not sure how they will turn out. Here’s to hoping things get better one day 🙂

  3. Wow, can see your heart is aching.
    My 2 cents:
    When you were a child with a close relationship with your mother, you operated on assumptions that she loved you and wanted to know about every detail of your life… and so you gave them to her, freely, and she embraced them and all was well. Then, at some point, you began to question the balance of your relationship (plus a natural pulling away from parents as you learned to know and define your “self”). You stepped back and she did not “seek.” You then made other assumptions. Perhaps–“She doesn’t really care. If she did, she would reach out to me.” This hurt and made you step back further. And the cycle deepens. What you do not know is what her assumptions are. She may not know what you want and need or may not know how to give it. She may miss the little girl who told her everything, but not have a clue how to get her back. She may think your stepping away from her was what you wanted or needed and so, she stays back. The truth is, you don’t know. You don’t know if she is hurt or disappointed; if she thinks she is acting as you want her to or if she truly doesn’t care. Until you can let go of your own hurt and give something to her (maybe a little of this honesty?) you will never know. And you might be missing something important. It might not look like your dream mother-daughter relationship; you might have to do more of what you see as the “giving” side and help her see how to give to you. By not giving to her or at least reaching out, you are hurting yourself, possibly more than her.
    I hope this is helpful. If so, you owe me 5 cents. 🙂

    • T.K. we think alike 🙂 At this moment, I’m not ready to put the energy into it. It’s such a tangled web. I love my mom and she knows that so that will have to do for now.

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