Every now and then something happens that forces me to sit down and evaluate or re-evaluate a particular area of my life. That happened twice this weekend.
Confession: I am a love junkie and in the words of Andre 3000, “[I] could be an organ donor the way I give up my heart.” There are 2 men I’ve dated and loved fiercely in my adult life, David and Nathan (No, those are not their real names). At some point, marriage was a topic with them both; however, I knew I’d never marry Nathan. A few years ago I watched David get married. The wedding came long after our break-up, my healing and right at the start of a new romance of my own. So, don’t think I was jealous 🙂 I was actually there to be the bride’s personal photographer. It was a beautiful wedding!
Recently Nathan stopped by to tell me he, too, will be getting married. I congratulated him as well and I am sincerely excited for him and his wife-to-be. But, yesterday it hit me . . . the last 2 men I’ve loved have moved on to marry other women and I had that awful thought… Am I that woman people write about?! Do I give too much or not enough? Am I too easy going or maybe too harsh? Needy? Excessively independent? What could possibly be wrong with me that no one has put a ring on it?! I mean, am I doomed to love a man only to lose him and watch him marry the next woman he dates?! This is for the birds!! Of course, human relationships are difficult to navigate and there are numerous factors that I won’t discuss here. I will share this though, I was ready when Nathan wasn’t and by the time he was ready, I couldn’t. So, maybe this boils down to readiness and it’s not a testament of my marriage worthiness. And, yes, I am the lover, nurturer, supporter you want in your corner.
The thing I love about writing is that it forces me to face myself, my contradictions and to think more deeply about things. Ladies, often times we ascribe value to ourselves according to our experiences with men. Take my ramblings above for example. No one has asked my hand in marriage, so I couldn’t be marriage material. But, what I’ve learned and what we all must learn is, sometimes the men we’re involved with ain’t marriage material—not to say David and Nathan weren’t. And, even if they asked our hand in marriage, it would be in our best interest to decline the proposal. By listening to pop culture, friends, parents and even our elders we become obsessed with proving we are worthy of marriage. But, if the man you’re involved with isn’t trying to prove to you he’s marriage material and if marriage is your goal, pack your bags and move on! You are that chic, but just maybe not for that man.