I am that chic . . . or not!?

Every now and then something happens that forces me to sit down and evaluate or re-evaluate a particular area of my life.  That happened twice this weekend.

Confession: I am a love junkie and in the words of Andre 3000, “[I] could be an organ donor the way I give up my heart.”  There are 2 men I’ve dated and loved fiercely in my adult life, David and Nathan (No, those are not their real names). At some point, marriage was a topic with them both; however, I knew I’d never marry Nathan.  A few years ago I watched David get married. The wedding came long after our break-up, my healing and right at the start of a new romance of my own. So, don’t think I was jealous 🙂 I was actually there to be the bride’s personal photographer. It was a beautiful wedding!

Recently Nathan stopped by to tell me he, too, will be getting married. I congratulated him as well and I am sincerely excited for him and his wife-to-be. But, yesterday it hit me . . . the last 2 men I’ve loved have moved on to marry other women and I had that awful thought… Am I that woman people write about?! Do I give too much or not enough? Am I too easy going or maybe too harsh? Needy? Excessively independent? What could possibly be wrong with me that no one has put a ring on it?! I mean, am I doomed to love a man only to lose him and watch him marry the next woman he dates?! This is for the birds!! Of course, human relationships are difficult to navigate and there are numerous factors that I won’t discuss here. I will share this though, I was ready when Nathan wasn’t and by the time he was ready, I couldn’t. So, maybe this boils down to readiness and it’s not a testament of my marriage worthiness. And, yes, I am the lover, nurturer, supporter you want in your corner.

The thing I love about writing is that it forces me to face myself, my contradictions and to think more deeply about things. Ladies, often times we ascribe value to ourselves according to our experiences with men. Take my ramblings above for example. No one has asked my hand in marriage, so I couldn’t be marriage material. But, what I’ve learned and what we all must learn is, sometimes the men we’re involved with ain’t marriage material—not to say David and Nathan weren’t. And, even if they asked our hand in marriage, it would be in our best interest to decline the proposal. By listening to pop culture, friends, parents and even our elders we become obsessed with proving we are worthy of marriage. But, if the man you’re involved with isn’t trying to prove to you he’s marriage material and if marriage is your goal, pack your bags and move on! You are that chic, but just maybe not for that man.

Love: The First Year

One year ago today after a little less than 12 hours of labor I laid eyes on Benyamin Adeal Nehemiah Porter. I remember. . .. I woke up, placed my feet on the cold, tile floor and my water broke. I remember thinking I’d peed my pants. Life had already changed so much because of the pregnancy. But now, now the real work would begin starting with the pain of labor contractions. I wasn’t scared. Although, up until that point I had been TERRIFIED of being in labor and giving birth with no pain medicine!! But that day, fear was gone. I was ready, ready to give to the world what had been given to me—a son. I was ready for Brian to see him, hold him and love him more than either of them could ever imagine. Yep, I was ready to get the show on the road and hold the child that captured my heart long before I ever saw him or felt him move. I’d stare at my belly swollen with life. I’d stare and be amazed that my body was working 24 hours to create a brand new, tiny human being with fully functioning parts. I was thoroughly amazed. Amazed that I had been chosen to give birth and be a steward over this single life that would soon impact this world by sheer virtue of the fact that he exists. I remember…Love!!!